Finding I

I find I cannot sit in quiet
this year, in this room,
and the town out there is too
defining in the October gloom,
my red light not as calming
as it once has been
and all the ones I know,
I have always seen.  My heart is
restive for beginning something
new.  I feel contained, arraigned,
blue.  Music does it for a while
but I love to lapse back to the
quiet, to read and prepare.  But
I am far away from here on
some open road leading out
and up to places I have never
seen.  I always serve,
am serving pain, and wish
to clean me bare, get out of
here and feel fresh rain
on skin, breathe in, eschew
the race to the line.
All this striving living, this
ancient art of flaying heart and
mind and the skin I ache in.  These
acts of money - I will not begin
that life again.
I do not accept this hand - take it away.
I will not skivvy for my mind's
past reason, I will not keep to
any plan.  I begin again today
on a road fresh and green
and plain as truth.
I live with ruth and tell you
too - do as I do - find your
worth and live it here on earth
while you can.
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