Chimaera

This change came  suddenly -
I thought today of how you
Were  at nineteen: your grin and
Sparkle-eyes, the soft touch of
Your  skin, your slim, hard
Body  next to mine - this was your own
Chrysalis you tore yourself from.

Now  I bear your scorn, you patronise, a snarl
Accompanies  your voice, I didn't make the
Right choice, you're not the man you were -
You  are animal, machine-like, you
Calculate your risks living life on
Instinct, feral but exact with
Nothing  to detract from the
Heavy  tick of your inner clockwork.

I don't know  how your other half survives
Buried  so far underneath your
Surf ace-hide you
Couldn't reach him now  even if you tried
His emotional entrails are
Bloody  deeply coiled
Where   they can't shake and dangle in
Your  heart, threaten to rend
Your  cultured perfectness from end to end.

I see the trials you put me to, the
Coldness  you emit is stinging, palpable and
I sorrow  that I emptied all I am and all I had
Into such vast emptiness of soul a sucking
Void  ripe with running sores - it was from there
You  infected me with horror.

1 refuse to compete with your
Self-centredness so carefully applied it is your
Second  skin complete with hands and face and
Brain -  protection from hurt - layers
Growing   from the inside outward, a strong
And  terrible balm for your origin.

I have  wasted so much time trying to
Preach  to the unconvertible version of your
Self, the man, living by an ancient law of
Conquest,  a code of dealing
And  of being dealt, and anyone can see how

Magnificently you carry-off
Your  fake performance - only I know
Your  chivalry is founded on gallantry minus
The  grace, the dignity, the giving
And  the love.

previous poem